The last thing I saw
by negativefeeling
Summary: My belated contribution to this year's N7 day. One-shot! Shepard's last thoughts in her last mission to defeat the Reapers.


My contribution to this last N7 Day. I should have uploaded earlier, but I am a busy person IRL and this is the earliest I coult make. I hope you like it!

 **The last thing I saw**.-

By _negativefeeling_

I was running to the beam when the reaper shot me down.

The pain was unbearable, it smashed me down to the ground, putting my armor into pieces, cutting my skin and breaking my bones in places I never knew they could hurt. I blacked down for a couple of minutes. Or hours. I don't know.

I opened my eyes, and couldn't see anything else but the beam. It got me a few minutes until I could process all the information lying around me. And I didn't understand it first.

...

There was no one ahead of me. At least there was not anyone *alive*, so I didn't bother looking behind because I feared the fate of my squad mates.

The only thing I saw were the scattered corpses of other soldiers; a lot of the armors were from humans and I shivered. I tried to check if I did recognize any of them, and I was horribly glad to see that I didn't know their faces. No one was running to the beam and the only thin that crossed my mind was that he needed me to end this so we could reunite again.

I got to my feet. My whole body ached in pain as the swollen flesh tried to accommodate to my beaten up condition. On my chest, there was a pressure I never felt before, that made me jerk every time I tried to breath.

I looked at my hand. It was torn up and my synthetics showed up underneath the skin, yet I was covered in my human blood; blood that would soon dry up and leave a nasty brown coating that glowed orange.

My legs hurt. My feet were hurting too much to keep the pace I had before. All of my armor was blown up and part of me bhad knocked me so hard that it had left more than bruises in my body.

At my feet there was a gun. I tried to catch it, even though my back almost refrained me to do so. The weapon was not mine, but I didn't bother checking it. At least it was not his, and that gave me a little hope.

I had a sudden urge to look around once again.

"No," said my mind, "don't".

It took me another second just not to turn around.

I kept limping towards the beam, with the gun in hand. Eventually, my pace quickened, as the road went downhill and gravity worked in my advantage.

My head tried to turn around for a last time, unconsciously.

"If you look," an inner voice shouted, "you may find something you don't want to know".

And then the image of Kaidan flashed in my mind.

…

"Do it for him".

Once again, I stopped and controlled my wish of looking back. My gut told me not to turn back, my mind was screaming that I should.

"If you don't look", it reassured myself, "you can still believe that *he* is alive".

I feared that if I said his name out loud, my nightmare could turn real. I would save my tears for later, when we are reunited again.

I couldn't stop right now. My feet dragged me to the objective, while my memories brought me back the smile of that "someone" I had decided I would love more than myself.

I will come back to you, Kaidan.

A white light flooded me.

It could have been minutes. Or not.

When I woke up, my eyes were sore and I couldn't see.

I feared that I had lost my sight, and my chest began to raise and fall rapidly; my lungs were hyperventilating.

I felt the surroundings with my fingertips, slowly. My sensitive skin of the forefingers told me that there was something squishy and soft under me.

It was wet and sandy, as in a beach. The smell, however, was not that pleasant.

My eyes took their time to adjust to the darkness.

I could see lumps of something organic and my hands felt the metallic ground when the squishy lumps ended.

As my eyes gazed around, getting used to the low light, I saw that I was inside the Citadel. I jerked to the stingy pain in my chest and coughed a nasty chunk of blood that splattered on my forearm.

There was squish-squash sounds, and some clicking and ticking around. My ears were treacherous, since I didn't know if the complete silence that damped the other sounds were real or just my imagination. I hardly felt my body anymore.

Slowly, I began to stand up.

My head spun when I rose up on my feet and I almost fell when tripped over with… something resembling a football.

I tried to focus my eyes on it. However, the sudden stab on them prevented me to do so. I pressed my temples with my fingers, to end the painful throb inside my skull. Hopefully it would pass.

I decided to try once again, only to discover that it was a human head, still attached to a dead torso.

To my horror, my mind began processing the adjacent places… And I wished it had never done that.

…

Bodies, limbs, heads, torsos… both alien and human, laid scattered all around.

I retched involuntarily, feeling the acid burning my insides but nothing came past my throat.

I can't stop right now. *Not* now.

I had see all kinds of horrors in my life, all along the Galaxy… Despite that, I'm still human and this hurts me so. No life deserves to be treated this way. Not any soul. Never.

The clicking sound became louder… Like a small insect chewing on a fresh leaf. A something… If my eyes weren't deceiving me, it was a tiny reaper making those sounds… while doing something to a cadaver.

My hand raised and I pulled the trigger, but it didn't fire. Maybe the gun is jammed, but I don't discard it. I feel so much safer with it in my hands.

"Shepard?"

…What?

It has to be my imagination.

"Shepard?"

"Anderson!" thank God there was still someone out there, "where are you?"

"I followed you into the beam… but I think I'm in other chamber", the man answered.

"I haven't seen this part of the Citadel before," I confessed, even if my throat burns and my tongue hurts, I'd love to talk to someone alive, for a change.

"Wait," Anderson stops for a second and so does my heart skipping a beat until I hear his voice again, "I see light. I think there's an exit ahead of me".

I quickly gazed around. A stinging pain ran across my back to my head. I may have twisted my neck. I snorted. Of course I have hurt my neck... the right question would be 'what part is still in good condition?'.

My eyes spotted some light up somewhere, at the end of a corridor.

"I see it too," I told Anderson, "I am walking towards it".

…

I barely focused on what the Illusive Man was trying to tell me. I knew that controlling the Reapers was not the solution.

Not after all the destruction they have done. Deep in my heart, I wished I could believe him. End this one and for all.

I can't be deceived by his words again. It was bad enough I had to work with him first, and now there should be something wrong in his decision to save humanity.

Oh God, or goddess, or spirits... or whoever is up there.

I feel tempted to believe in him so it would be the perfect solution to our misery.

Please, let this be a bad dream and let me wake up soon so I can laugh at it.

The sound of a gunshot wakes me up instead.

…

I had seen Illusive Man shooting himself because he had betrayed humanity, the only thing he believed in.

And Anderson was lying there, inert. Dead.

This is war. This is what I came here for. It's not a dream at all.

…

I hit the button on the console but nothing happened. Nothing was happening.

I was overwhelmed in fear. There was no hope for the Galaxy then? Would the Reapers eliminate all life?

I stepped back.

Hackett started to panic too. I heard his authoritarian voice somewhere and I know there's fear in his tone. I couldn't

answer him back since my mind is blocked.

I... Kaidan...

I crumbled on the floor, almost lifeless.

If... If we all die now, I hope there's a Heaven so I could...

And then the platform lifted.

I stood up again, looking everywhere and trying to guess where I was.

The first time I saw him, I thought he was an angel. He was a little boy, but his voice wasn't human... It reminded me of

Garrus' voice, with its undertones.

I thought at first that he was there to help me, but his words weren't for assurance. He couldn't be an angel.

The kid told me "it" was the Catalyst.

I didn't have the heart to shoot him down, but I knew what I wanted.

The Illusive Man kept telling me that it was so possible to control the Reapers and that we could end this. This kid keeps telling me that I could merge all synthetic and organic into just one being.

His words filled me with rage.

I tried to reason with him, and even if he was patient and calm, I felt that he was trying to push me towards the synthesis or the control of the Reapers, instead of the annihilation for them. He showed me Anderson being a monster in his decision to end them and Illusive Man as a savior for choosing to merge all kinds of life.

I don't want that.

I can see the tiny explosions on Earth, so small but so devastating, and I diverge from his speech.

"You could end all synthetic, but it will also kill you as you're part synthetic".

I don't care at all.

I just see all those red lights appearing and dying on Earth...

… Each one of them representing the death of my own species.

I decidedly limp to my way of ending things.

My own way of ending all things.

I believed my squad mates died for a good reason and I am now trying to make them justice by doing what I had promised them: Destroying the Reapers.

I walk towards the red device. I know I'll end this for once and for all.

With every step I take, I become more resolute: My arm doesn't hurt anymore and I don't feel the pain on my legs. My stance grows tall again. I take a final breath and steady my finger on the trigger:

I see everything before me. I watch the movie of my life and there weren't too many happy moments.

I shoot once; my happy days on the colony flooded my mind.

I shoot again and the shell starts to scrape; the days aboard the Normandy were bittersweet but dear to me.

I shoot once more and the shell shatters and breaks; Joker, Anderson and Kaidan.

I keep shooting with all my might… and every Kaidan's kiss, every Kaidan's hugs, every Kaidan's smile come over to my mind, making my eyes itch with tears.

This is for you, Kaidan.

The nights with him. The moments with him. Our late night conversations. Every time I hugged him when he had

migraines. Our soft spot on the couch looking at the fireplace. He brought me back when I passed out with Leviathan.

He held my hand when I had no hope. He made me believe in a future. He made me smile from the bottom of my heart.

He didn't care about my dance moves.

He was there when I needed him most.

He made me accept my errors and work past them.

Kaidan, I love you. I may not have told you before, and that's the only thing I regret.

There were lots of images running before my eyes, but the only things I recognize are very few:

My parents in Mindoir... Anderson when he saved me... And Kaidan.

"I'm going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again".

And here I am, shooting again and again until the core was exposed and I take my last breath.

I know I'm not going to make it, just like you didn't, yet I go in peace.

Now I am going to reunite with you, Kaidan.

I couldn't see that last shot, since my sight was blurry with tears.

Everything exploded and the light engulfed me. My ears are ringing and my vision is going darker. My arms hurt. My legs burn. My mouth is really dry.

The last thing I saw before blacking out was his face, his eyes so bright, his lips telling me that I would make it.

The image of Alenko smiling at me was the last thing I saw when the conduit exploded.

Kaidan. I'm sorry I failed to you.

My head hits the ground with a cruel sound of bones crashing.

All is black now.

…

THE END

N of A: I wrote this by heart, I am not completely sure how the part of Anderson and Illusive Man goes, but I think that the Illusive Man shoots Anderson first and then he shoots himself. More or less. If you happen to remember how it goes, please tell me so I can make the changes. Thanks for reading!


End file.
